Taylor is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot tho.

yeah....


RIGHTTTT

Don't Ask

when i see and hear

you,
my heart cant help but flutter.

even though there is many an awkward silence,

its fun fucking around with you nigga.

my realizations

are so true.

many a mind could be expanded with a cup of coffee, (of several of them),

so many things make so much sense, i don't just have a lot of estrogen in my blood,

i grew up with a good deal of female influences in life, My Aunt, my mother, my elder Female cousins.

the music, the shows, and strangely enough the shoes, my female cousins would wear/

i even like things that girls do when i was young, sleepovers and those quizbook things to see if your ideal man is right for you.

i continue to love those things now.

but my father drew the line, he tried to make me a man.

telling me only girls cry (faggots too [his vernacular for homosexuals, which is rarely used]),

he tried to instill this testosterone beast in me.

i did keep that with me for a long time, until he was out of sight, out of mind.

only then i rediscovered mimicking female mannerisms and interests.

just to the point where i can be myself around a girl.

i don't think i ever had a best friend that as a guy all the way until....middle school.

i'll throw him out for you guys who might recognize: Angelo Rivera.

The big brother i was missing for a long long time. he replaced my elder cousin that was there for me back in the bay.

it was a long relationship running until i felt i could no longer keep up with his big brother bullying-ness.

i was a fragile boy moving to LA. (insert Life story here.)

so i connected to what ever i felt i did the strongest.

(phases suck).

as i grew out of one phase i only grew to another.

i hate to acknowledge it, but i came to late to the skateboard party.

and when i mean late, i MEAN left after having my board run over by a car.

after getting road rash from luging downhill from a skateboard.

(i'm fucking pouring my soul out here.)

and it's all cause of mother's day, it hurts me when i hear my mom ask for little when she gives so much.

and i know i really take her for granted because, i never thank her sincerely enough.

never do anything for her out of pure love for her.

it really is because no once taught me to love her.

my grandfather is not the greatest of examples, all her siblings abhor decisions.

they say she's always getting into these schemes that aren't worth putting your whole self into.

and she's really out to prove them wrong.

i pick that up for her, but only in minute situations i truly feel i can handle.

i'm motivated when someone says i can't do something, but then i'm mind has it's limits.

i'm no artist, i'm no poet, i'm no misunderstood lover, i'm a rambler who's looking for attention in all the wrong places.

that's why i preach to no one because i'm too afraid of what i will and will not hear.

afraid to say i love someone because i know i wont hear what i want to.

nick is not the brother i've always wanted, he's always clashed with me.

i'm too afraid to beat his ass because i know that there's already no love between us.

i've given him things, almost out good whole heartedness. never a thank you i wanted to hear.

just acknowledment that we have this un written brotherly love for eachother.

but today i declared it, earlier i tested it, now i'm setting it in stone..

he is not my brother.

my only real brother just might be gabriel, but even then he's much too far for me mold him into. a fine young man he's turning into.

my sis and me have a better connection than nick and i. i'm just finding out when my limits are and what shouldn't i say.

cause if there's anything i truly hate seeing, is knowing that i have to power to hurt someone truly, and abusing it on accident.

many times if done it, nick's done it too many times, and is serious. and i disown him for that. for his soul is lost cold, and in 8-bits.

and every "best friend" i had was totally someone i could talk to about anything.

there will be a day when that person is a girl i love conditionally and spend the rest of my life with.
it might not even be a girl, but i'd much rather have it a girl.

i'm not interested in what girl has to offer with her body anymore, but she's handing it to me, i'll take it.

all past best friends, i might still consider best friends. or just friends. to have that title in in honor in my book cause i know where i stand.

i really shouldnt name names, but who the fuck reads this anyway. Theresa, Erick, Aldrich, Sophia, Danny. (almost forgot ryan) i've all divulged crucial, sad, trival, personal, information to you at one point. only the closest of the close can be a Close Friend.

and i can't say anything bad about you, there is truly nothing wrong with you. (in my mind, i.e. jaime [hypothetically: your mom having cancer doesn't keep me from talking shit about you.]and my talking shit is only out of envy, not true hate.)

a Best Friend, is just someine i enjoy hanging out with at a certain stage in my life.


so if you was my best friend...would you give me your ear?

if you was my best friend, would you run away from my problems in scathing fear?

if you was my best fwend, would we have retarted conversations?

if you was my best fwend would you join me and making fun of others?

if you was my homieslice, would you permit me to talk shit about someone behind their back?

if you was that person's good friend, would say that's wrong and draw the line?

that imaginary line that i need never cross?

if you were a best friend, would sleep with me out of pity?

if you were a best friend would help get back on my feet?

if i was homeless and it were my own undoing, would you give a place to stay?

if i was truly mentally disabled , would still you treat me the same way?

if i hurt you, or you heard something about you that i had said in vain?

its not only god whose name who could be said in vain.

there's is just so much unreleased tension in my life.

i really needed this post.

tumblr is not for insightful-ness just words of wisdom and luls.

{endrant}